Stop breaking your own heart.

Quote

Was I just an option. ...When you were my choice?

Conversations from the Car

I find myself asking the same questions over and over why do I feel the way I do.  How come I can't seem to get out of this dark place? I know the truth, I see the truth, so why do I still feel the pain. I should be relieved that it's over, or is it at least in my heart and mind. 

I have filled my time with work and my schedule with activities to keep me going but no matter what I do I can't stop thinking about the last 8 months. 

On our way home tonight I was talking with my friend she said "It's like you were told and believed you had someone who loved and cared for you, and then it was ripped away".  She said but I see you in a dark room and it appears you have everything you want and it's beautiful, your happy and then the blinds are lifted and the light shines in and what you thought was beautiful is not what it seemed.


So I keep asking "What do you do when right goes wrong?"

Quotes

Love vs. Love (Part 2)

Hello Love,

From our first encounter I knew that there was something different about you.  Initially I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but time revealed all.  You were one of the rare people who I allowed into my life.  Your entrance came through my family and that's where the pain began. 

Excerpt From A Text Message

 

Me:  Today would you pray for you, me, us.

 

You:  I always do that's why you're still here.

December 20, 2013 was our first communication. I will never forget that day.  Mainly because looking back I keep trying to figure out how someone who I had known for such a short time could have become so intertwined with me and my family that it  almost destroyed everything that I hold dear.  I can honestly say that I never understood how you could say you loved me in one breath and hate me in your actions with the next.  I gave you my Love, Forgiveness, and Trust - actually I gave you all of me - and you treated me like I was worthless.  I never had anyone make me feel that way and I pray I never will  again. 

When I think of you I try to remember our happy moments.  Unfortunately every memory reminds me of the emptiness I felt after each moment. 

Lies          Deception          Secrets

I remember saying to you, "If you stop looking at me through your lens and look at me with the lens of truth, you would realize just how unnecessary your actions were."  I looked at you through the eyes of God. You looked at me through the eyes of opportunity.  Had you just been true you would have lacked nothing.  What you desired was not in deficit to you.  You took my weakness and left me to die the way YOU feared most -  ALONE. I loved you unconditionally and you disregarded  me with the same intensity.

However, today I want you to know that I forgive you.  My prayer for you is that you find God's peace and forgiveness and begin to truly walk in your God given calling.  You have tremendous gifts inside of you that Satan wants to use against you. Fight for your calling Love.  I believe in you. 

I pray someday healing will come.

"Don't Count Me Out" live (2013) (Music Video)

Don't Count Me Out!!!

 

 

 

Pastor Marvin Winans You Just Dont Want to Know (Music Video)

BE ENCOURAGED

 

 

Love vs. Love (Part 1)

Hello Honey,

I would ask how you are doing but I know you are just perfect.  You are resting in the arms of our Heavenly Father with a new healed body.  I wanted to talk to you for a moment because since you left my life has changed drastically and if I don't get this out I am afraid of what will happen. 

Do you remember when we first met, I sure do.  You were in church and the first thing I noticed was your beautiful curly hair. What I didn't know then was although we had not officially met our paths had crossed many times. It was only a matter of time before I got to know you. It's as if there was an actual planned time and place in our journey for us to meet.

I had just returned to NJ after a life tsunami hit and felt lost and alone.  God knew just what I needed and it was you.  For the next 24 years we built a relationship that was amazing.  You loved me when I couldn't love myself. When you held me in your arms I felt safe.  You never lied, or deceived me in any way.  Together we built a friendship, marriage, family, and a business with a love that many only dream about.  You made me know true love was real and I could have it too.  When I gave you all of me you treated me like I was a priceless treasure. Thank you.

The day God took you home, I died that day as well, the emptiness I felt from the pain of losing you cannot be described in words. A friend told me today, you will never get over it, you will just learn how to live with it. This will not and has not been easy or even understandable. Lost and alone I tried to pick up the pieces of my life and keep going. Honey you won't believe what happened next. I don't believe it and I was there.  What followed is not a happy story. But at least I had one with you.

Keep looking out for me I will see you soon.

I Love You Babe!

Inspiration

Deadly Keystrokes

 

Have you ever had a time where you looked back over your life and said how did I get here but  like the Prodigal Son you looked around and  came to yourself? 

 

The situation was so dysfunctional (toxic) that at times it seemed like the worst kind of nightmare that I could not wake up from.  In times past I could always bury the pain and go on but something was different this time and I was forced to face my worst fears.  I crawled through the wilderness of loss and  loneliness and hit every trap set for me. I had only one question on my mind WHY?

 

So today bruised, hurting, fighting to get my life back,  and surrounded by people but feeling all alone I begin to tell you my story of how I responded to a message that should have been deleted and the Deadly Keystrokes of my response altered my life forever.